How To Life-Proof Your Marriage
“We should go to counselling.”
In our society, these words paint a picture of a marriage that is broken, failing, or falling apart. Counselling is seen as a last resort - the last ditch effort to save a flawed relationship. Sometimes this is exactly what marriage counselling is, and in these situations, counselling can help tremendously. However, sometimes you just feel stuck in your relationships, or feel like you can’t get on the same page. Maybe you’re looking at your past relationships and are unsure whether any future relationship will work out.
Here’s the thing; marriage counselling can be effective for all of the above. But one of the ways it can be most effective is to choose counselling to improve your marriage before you feel like its needed. Marriage counselling can help you get out in front of issues, and build a solid foundation for a relationship that will stand the test of time. To quote our friends (and guest posters), “We don’t go to marriage counselling because we have a weak marriage. We go because we want to have a strong one.”
Because so many people assume marriage counselling is a sign of failure, we asked our friends Sarah and Justin if they would join us on the blog to share their experience, and why they chose marriage counselling. You can find them here at United and Untied. They agreed to share to help take away the stigma of marriage counselling, and to encourage others to look to counselling for help, support and growth. We’re thrilled with what they have to say.
Note: The bolded text below is my emphasis; thoughts and ideas that I found especially important from a counsellor's perspective.
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Q: Give us a little snapshot of your history as a couple: who are you?
A: We knew each other for almost 15 years before going on a date. That made some things easier and some things harder. We both have different upbringings and different relationship histories we’ve brought into our marriage. Justin had been married once before and Sarah had been in a couple serious relationships. Since getting married, our relationship has gotten richer and we do our best to serve one another in ways that are meaningful to the other person.
Q: When did you first start marriage counselling?
A: That’s a tough question. Both of us have actively sought out individual counselling on and off before we were in a relationship. Shortly after our relationship became serious, we just went to counselling because we thought it was wise given our backgrounds. Eventually, this just evolved into “marriage counselling”.
Q: Why did you feel the need to begin before you were even married?
A: We both think that seeking wise counsel is simply a good idea. Counsellors are in a unique position where they have studied and talked to many people in different walks of life. They see patterns and things that the average person doesn’t. They’re wise. Why would we not want to talk to those people? :)
Q: What fears did you have heading into marriage counselling?
A: This is an interesting question. Since we both had personal positive experiences with counselling in our past, counselling has always been a safe place for us to be real and explore what’s behind some of our day to day struggles. Facing your struggles can sometimes be hard, but it’s worth it.
Q: What things have you learned through counselling that have surprised you?
A: It’s sometimes surprising to learn what may be underneath some of your own seemingly mundane behaviours and reactions to daily occurrences. It forces you to evaluate the things you do and think in a way that helps you move forward. Your emotional intelligence also grows - we have learned to recognize and name something we are experiencing and communicate it well without added tension and misunderstanding.
Q: Is there any way you could give an example of this (the mundane behaviours with background reasons)?
A: A simple example, one of us will be having a bad day. Sarah will stew over a discouraging conversation, she didn’t get enough sleep and forgot to eat lunch. Then out come a few snappy comments when she realizes the garbage is full (Justin takes care of emptying the garbage in our house). Then, a few snappy comments get fired back. In that moment, we try to recognize when our emotional response is not in proportion with the inconvenience of the garbage being full. Why are we so annoyed about that? Why is it making us treat each other badly? By recognizing and trying to name what’s really going on in the moment, it released the tension from the interactions and stops us from the blame game. Often, one or both of us do need to change something… but we are not one another’s enemy so why treat each other that way?
Q: What have been the most fruitful things about counselling?
A: Put briefly, communication and navigation of conflict. The emotional intelligence thing.
Q: What was the most difficult part of marriage counselling?
A: Humbling yourself. It’s never easy to find out you need to work on something, no matter what it is. Sometimes counselling makes you look at hurt from your past in order to make progress into the future, that can be difficult too. But the end result is worth it.
Q: How did marriage counselling help you work through the challenges in your first year of marriage?
A: A great counsellor helped us foresee some of the challenges ahead and lessen their impact on our relationship before we were facing those challenges head on. It turns out an ounce of prevention really is worth a pound of cure:)
Q: Do you feel like you (and others) need support other than your counsellor, while going through the counselling process?
A: I think a counsellor can help you process and see things you may otherwise miss, as well as give you tools to overcome those things. However, the people closest to you are there when rubber hits the road. They can cheer you on and keep you accountable to the changes you say you want to make. And yes, we do have people supporting us through that!
Q: If you were trying to convince others to start counselling, what would you say?
A: Do you know how your past may be impacting your present? Do you want to be better than you are? Be more supportive of your spouse? Communicate better? Have a happier marriage? There’s a chance at getting there on your own - but the chances are a lot better with a wise counsellor.
Q: Were there ever moments where you just wanted to quit counselling?
A: No - but we have seen different counsellors at different times for different situations we have been in. Many voices are good. It’s important to recognize that one counsellor will not “fit” every person or situation. If it’s not gelling, it doesn’t mean counselling is bad. But it may mean you need to try a different counsellor.
Q: Do you think marriage counselling will always be a part of your marriage?
A: I can’t imagine us ever getting to the point where we say “You know, I don’t think we need any more wise counsel.” So we think it likely always will be!
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I hope hearing a little bit of someone else's experience encourages you to take a step toward building a stronger marriage, no matter what its current condition is. Whether you are just beginning a new marriage, in one that seems like smooth sailing right now, or in one that is falling apart, marriage counselling can help.
We would love to help. Contact us here for a free 15 minute consultation. We want to partner with you to help take a step toward building a stronger marriage.
